Forgiving and forgetting are not the same thing. Confusing the two can prolong anger, resentment, and damage relationships, making healing from the hurt harder. Understanding the difference is necessary and essential for a healthy life and relationships.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO FORGIVE?
Forgiveness is the conscious choice to let go of any feelings of anger, resentment or thoughts of revenge toward someone who has wronged us.
Forgiveness does not mean excusing the harm or behavior of the other person. Forgiveness also does not mean pretending that the harm never happened.
Forgiveness is essential to free ourselves from any emotional burden, such as bitterness, that we carry from the harm.
There are many different steps to forgiveness, for example:
~Acknowledge the pain.
~Recognize the harm caused. Do not minimize the harm. Be honest with yourself.
~Identify the source of the harm/hurt.
~Name the emotions you are feeling. Try not to minimize your feelings. Allow yourself to feel the natural emotions that arise—for instance, anger, sadness, or disappointment—without judgment.
~Separate the emotions from your identity. Emotions are not good or bad, they reveal what is happening inside you. Emotions are temporary and do not define who you are. Allowing yourself to feel these emotions is key towards self-compassion and emotional healing.
~Practice self-compassion, be kind to yourself when difficult emotions come up, everyone experiences them from time to time. Difficult emotions don’t make you weak or flawed. Treat yourself with empathy, don’t criticize yourself for feeling a certain way.
~Try not to suppress or deny an emotion that has come up, doing so may cause it to build up and come out in an unhealthy way. Feel the emotion as fully as you can. Give yourself a safe space and the time to do so.
~Breathing through emotions if they feel overwhelming can be very helpful. Try to slow down your breathing and breathe deeply. Inhale slowly through your nose and exhale through your mouth. This helps to calm your nervous system, brings you back to the present and allows you to process the emotion without feeling controlled by it.
~Consider how the hurtful event has affected you.
~Choose to release any anger, resentment and/or the desire for retribution or punishment.
~Focus on healing. Create personal space and give yourself time to process what you are feeling without trying to ‘get over’ your emotions. Be patient with yourself and understand that everyone has their own pace.
~Throughout the process of forgiveness consider using the following: journaling, meditation, breathing exercises, physical exercise, time in nature to help yourself heal.
Forgiveness is a process committed by the person doing the forgiving. It is not about the offender. By forgiving, it is possible to heal and regain inner calm, whether or not the offender apologizes or changes their behavior. Ultimately, forgiving is about emotional freedom.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO FORGET?
Forgetting is often a natural cognitive process rather than a conscious choice. While forgetting the intensity of a pain can reduce immediate distress, forgetting the event entirely can be risky. Memory serves as a survival mechanism; remembering a betrayal or a mistake helps us to set boundaries and avoid similar harm in the future.
Forgetting a painful experience may seem an easier way to move on from the hurt, but it can prevent meaningful healing and growth. Forgetting runs the risks of erasing important truths. Forgetting does not bring emotional freedom.
Forgetting comes with the risk of ignoring boundaries and repeating harmful patterns.
Forgetting and suppressing emotions may cause unresolved feelings to emerge, sometimes stronger and out of control.
Forgetting may mean losing valuable lessons, which could teach us how to recognize behaviour red flags in ourselves and in others and could help towards building healthy boundaries and relationships.
Forgetting isn’t always possible and may not be necessary. The memory of a wrong may remain whilst no longer controlling our present.
Forgetting is often unrealistic. Remembering the lesson can help protect you from being hurt in the same way, teaching the importance of self-care.
FORGIVE OR FORGET?
Instead of trying to forget, work on healing. Forgive, but don’t necessarily forget.
Forgiveness is the more powerful tool for emotional recovery. It is the process of releasing resentment and the desire for retribution, allowing the person who was wronged to move forward without being anchored to the pain of the past. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean excusing the behavior or reconciling with the person; it is a internal shift that prioritizes the victim’s peace of mind over the perpetrator’s guilt.
Forgiveness can free a person from carrying anger or resentment; it doesn’t mean excusing what happened, trusting the person again, or allowing them continued access to you.
In many cases, the most healthy approach is to forgive but not forget. By forgiving, you let go of the anger that consumes you, but by remembering, you retain the wisdom gained from the experience. This allows you to find peace while remaining vigilant and informed.
A healthy approach might be: forgive for your own peace, remember for your own wisdom, and set boundaries where needed.
You can forgive someone and still choose whether to distance yourself from them, ask them to account for their part, or choose no relationship at all. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean reconciliation. You don’t have to accept the same harmful behaviors from an offender or return to the same relationship.
Forgiveness allows a person to move forward in their life, rather than stay trapped in a trauma or injustice. Allowing forgiveness can elevate mood, enhance optimism and help guard against anger, anxiety and depression.
For support consider: ~Consulting a licensed professional mental health therapist to guide and assist with the process of forgiveness.
~Learning about different religions, their practice of forgiveness and how they can inspire and heal.
REFERENCES:
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/forgive
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/forget
https://www.opendoorclc.com/post/forgiveness-vs-forgetting-honoring-pain-while-letting-go
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/forgiveness
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_different_religions_practice_forgiveness
What does forgive mean? Here is the Mirriam-Webster dictionary definition:
1 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)
forgive one’s enemies
2a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for
forgive an insult
2b : to grant relief from payment of
forgive a debt
What does forget mean? Here is the Mirriam-Webster dictionary definition:
Transitive verb:
1a : to lose the remembrance of : be unable to think of or recall
I forget his name.
1b : to fail to remember to bring or take
I forgot my wallet.
1c obsolete : to cease from doing
2 : to treat with inattention or disregard
forgot their old friends
He’s now a forgotten hero.
They told jokes … that made Chona laugh and forget the pain.
—James McBride
—often used with about
Your plants need care; don’t forget about them.
3a : to disregard intentionally : overlook—usually used in the imperative
I shouldn’t have said that, so just forget it.
—often used with about
Forget about the trip. We can’t afford it.
3b : to give up hope for or expectation of —usually used in the imperative
As for prompt service, forget it.
Intransitive verb:
1 : to cease remembering or noticing
It’s time to forgive and forget.
2 : to fail to become mindful at the proper time
Forgot about paying the bill.
